Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Things I Won't Miss About St. Augustine

1. The Politics: So right-wing that in the 2006 US Senate race where Democrat Bill Nelson defeated Republican Katherine "The Dragon Lady" Harris in a statewide landslide, Harris actually carried St. Johns County by a decisive margin. Let's just say there's a lot of Fox News Channel fans in Northeast Florida.

2. The Job Market: If you love minimum wage and/or the food service industry, this town's for you!

3. The Bridge of Lions: A drawbridge beloved by visitors as a quaint and charming relic, the Bridge of Lions is the bane of anybody who works downtown and lives on the island. Despite ostensibly maintaining a regular schedule of going up on the half-hour, the reality is that it will stop traffic at any given moment, depending on the whims of the pleasure craft and/or construction barges that pass underneath. Currently undergoing a multi-million dollar renovation to restore it to some semblance of structural integrity, but without lessening the traffic tie-ups. Brilliant!

4. The Health Care: Where do I begin? How about with "Dr. J" a/k/a "Worst Obstetrician Ever." I still can't believe we let this ham-fisted clown deliver both of our babies. He barely made it in time for the arrival of our firstborn, then missed our daughter's birth entirely, as he was returning a rental car and couldn't get back in time. The head nurse did a better job than he would have, anyway.

5.The Insects: Sure, Austin has been dealing with a plague of crickets this summer, but our old house on St. Augustine Beach was home to a hateful cadre of bloodthirsty mosquitoes and huge spiders who could body-double for tarantulas.

6. The Tourists: Specifically those tourists on the trains/trolleys, and especially those on the horse and carriages. Why? Because they got in my way, that's why. Even though theirs is a better lot than a quick trip to the glue factory, those horses always look so depressed dragging their asses through traffic in 100 degree heat and 100% humidity. A special place in hell is reserved for the guy who crapped in the pool at our condo.


806051 said...

Good luck with the move, JM. Of course blogging about the hateful political climate in St. John's County and relocating to the Lone Star State drips with hypocrisy like the BBQ you'll become oh-so-familiar with, but hey, I love ya. I'd be more than happy to let you off the hook if an Austin sub shop review is in your near future.

FYI, rocking Oasis while I'm home early from work. "Don't look back, cause you know what you might see." D'ya know what I mean?

JM Dobies said...

It's not hypocrisy, baby, it's irony...or something like that.

Besides, Austin is a different animal than say, Dallas. [Cue up the Cheetahs' "Get Outta Dallas" here.]

JM Dobies said...

Of course, the mosquitoes in Texas are the size of Cadillacs, but the ones back in St. Auggie Beach are particularly ravenous. They would feast on the tender flesh of my lovely wife and our 2-year-old son like they were dining on filet mignon.