Monday, September 17, 2007

Brave Hater 9.17.07


Even though the Braves took two out of three from the hapless Nationals this past weekend, Saturday night's 7-4 loss was a pleasure to behold, as it virtually guaranteed the Braves' elimination from postseason contention. Earlier in the game, TBS play-by-play dork Chip Caray postulated that the Braves would need to go 13-2 in their final 15 games to win the Wild Card. Clearly, with Atlanta's starting rotation, which is basically John Smoltz, Tim Hudson, and three nonentities, that ain't happening. While the historical precedent for a 13-1 stretch drive is there, the historical precedent for the Braves' rotation is "Spahn and Sain and pray for rain."

In any case, Saturday's starter was Lance Cormier, who lasted less than three innings, getting the hook after surrendering a three-run homer to Washington pine-rider Robert Fick, of all people. It was sweet redemption for the once-reviled catcher-first baseman, who earned the scorn of Brave Haters everywhere with his unsportsmanlike conduct during the 2003 Division Series against the Cubs. All is forgiven, Robert.

Speaking of redemption, Nationals closer Chad Cordero was called upon to pitch the ninth, after having blown a two-run lead the night before by serving up a fatty to the villainous Chipper Jones, who stroked an RBI double to send the game into extras. It looked like history repeating itself as Cordero loaded the bases for Chipper, but this time Jones grounded into his team-leading 19th double play to end the game.


And so, we at Brave Hater salute the Washington Nationals for helping to ensure the Braves will be on the outside looking in come October. We also look forward to their offseason spending spree, as they seek to upgrade their woeful roster by throwing money at various top free agents in anticipation of opening their new ballpark in 2008. A much-improved Nationals club could mean a fourth-place finish for the Braves next season.

Now that would be super-sweet.


Fox Sports' Kevin Hench writes, "This was not how Andruw Jones wanted to spend the last year of his 6-year, $75M contract, essentially losing money with every at-bat. Had the 30-year-old Jones, possibly the greatest defensive center fielder of all time, replicated his numbers of last year (.262, 41, 129) or his breakout 2005 (.263, 51, 128), Scott Boras could have secured him $100M easy. But after flailing his way through the worst year of his career — .220/.315/.414 — it's hard to imagine a team giving him a raise and a long-term deal. Had Jones not scuffled so mightily this season, the Braves likely would have made it back to the playoffs."

Well, a grateful Brave Hater Nation applauds Andruw for his lousy numbers, and many whiffs in the clutch, although another abbreviated Braves playoff run would have provided much amusement come October.

Sure, Atlanta won't be around for the postseason, but there is still the possibility of a losing season. A record of, say, 79 wins and 83 losses would satisfy our schadenfreude nicely.


It's bad enough having to look at Chipper's ugly face for an entire game, but it's insult to injury having to endure MLB's playoff promos featuring the despicable Dane Cook between innings. This joke-stealing no-talent has somehow managed to have a lucrative film career, getting to star opposite the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba (you, sir, are not worthy). However, we all have the option of not buying a ticket to Good Luck Chuck or Employee of the Month at the local multiplex. But every time we watch a big-league ballgame over the past several months, we get Cook's overpaid, overexposed mug in our faces, doing his hyper schtick and telling us how awesome the Milwaukee Brewers are. It's thoroughly loathsome, as is Dane's act. Even the good bits he stole from Louis CK.

Still, Chipper is worse.

Brave Hater is a parody, so if you don't like it, go buy yourself a Braves logo Tiffany lamp at the Chop Shop and stick it where the sun don't shine.


Ellis Deem said...

Full disclosure says that Mal is a disenfranchised, unrequited Expos partisan. The transference to RFK Stadium is a stretch but bears a dishonorable mention.

JM Dobies said...

People ask me if I'm a Nationals fan now that MLB has relocated them to DC. The answer? Only when they play the Braves.

806051 said...

With the Mets collapsing and the Phils not remembering they're the Phils, tell me there's still no way for a Braves postseason appearance in something other than a horrible ESPN/Fox retrospective piece featuring some horrid alt rock band cut up to Sid Bream sliding at home.

JM Dobies said...

Luckily, there are about five teams standing between the Braves and a Wild Card berth, so the chances of them making the playoffs are about the same as me winning the lottery. But still, the Mets are stinking up the joint right when they should be tuning up for the postseason. If they keep losing, Randolph and Minaya should both be fired. They're paying the price for unloading too many young arms and getting nothing in return. Of course, it was Steve Phillips who traded Scott Kazmir, but still, Minaya has assembled an aging team with no real leaders and man, they are playing ugly right now.

By the way, the Marlins are a disgrace. Fredi Gonzales? A former stooge of Bobby Cox, rolling over for his former boss like a submissive puppy. Can't even spell "Freddie." At least the Marlins are on the road, where they get to play in front of 30,000 fans instead of 300. Makes the crowds at Le Stade Olympique in '04 look like a full house.

J said...

HA you must be a mets fan. Tough luck no matter how much yall spend you'll never be the best team in your division.... not even in the same city.