METS CRUSH BRAVES PLAYOFF HOPES WITH WEEKEND SWEEP
Former Brave Tom Glavine outduelled his old teammate John Smoltz on Sunday to give the New York Mets a 3-2 victory and complete a three-game sweep of the hapless Braves. With only three weeks remaining in the 2007 regular season, Atlanta trails the Mets by an insurmountable 7 and a half games in the NL East, falling to 7th place in the Wild Card race, 5 and a half games behind San Diego.
Even their incredible, come-from-behind win against the Phillies on Wednesday did little to change their dire postseason prognosis, instead highlighting the spoiler role they will be forced to play for the rest of the year. Still, the Braves still have a slim chance, mathematically speaking; Brave Hater Nation must remain vigilant, and continue to put the whammy on this accursed franchise, and especially Chipper, who snapped out of an 0 for 14 funk on Sunday and is now back to his usual shenanigans.
BRAVES MAKE OFFSEASON PLANS
As the reality of another postseason on the sidelines begins to sink in, various Braves personnel are already making plans for other ways to spend October:
Mark Teixeira: Free agent, object of bidding war, signing fat contract with Yankees.
Edgar Renteria: Trade bait.
John Smoltz: Endorsement deal with Hair Club for Men.
Yuniel Escobar: Cock-fighting.
JoJo Reyes: Apartment-hunting in Richmond.
Chipper Jones: Quail-hunting, wife-beating.
Bobby Cox: Drinking heavily, wife-beating, pondering retirement.
Brave Hater is a parody, so Braves fans can address their complaints to 1-800-PISS-OFF.