Monday, September 24, 2007
Brave Hater 9.24.07
BRAVES PLAY SPOILER, FOIL BREW CREW
Well, folks, on the bright side, Brave Hater subscriptions have spiked in Wisconsin. Previously, our readers in the land of cheese have been limited to aging baby-boomers still irked by the Braves' relocation to Atlanta over 40 years ago. Now a whole new generation has found a reason to hate the Braves. Atlanta's come-from-behind wins on Saturday and Sunday dropped the Milwaukee Brewers three and a half games behind the Cubs in the NL Central with only a week to play, laying waste to a season-long Cinderella story, and what had been an inspired stretch drive.
On Saturday, the Brew Crew held a one-run lead with two outs in the bottom of the tenth, when Coco Cordero surrendered a tape-measure job to Brave benchwarmer Scott Thorman that tied the score. Then, in the 11th, Chipper Jones grounded into what would have been his second consecutive rally-killing double play, only to have Milwaukee second sacker Richie Weeks boot the ball. The next batter, the brobdignaggian HGH-lover Mark Teixeira, knocked in the game winner with a rocket to the gap.
On Sunday, former Expo Claudio Vargas coughed up four runs in the seventh to squander a 4-1 Milwaukee lead. Brewers manager Ned Yost paid homage to Bobby Cox by pitching a fit and getting tossed. It was a monumental meltdown of epic proportions, not only by Yost, but also by his team, whose playoff chances are now on par with the filthy and depraved Atlanta nine.
NO CHAMPAGNE FOR YOU, CHIPPER!
Although Atlanta won five of six last week, sweeping a pathetic Marlins team managed by Bobby Cox's former stooge Fredi Gonzales (the guy can't even spell "Freddie," let alone manage a Major League ballclub) and taking two out of three from the Brewers, the standings still spell doom for the Braves. With the Mets suddenly remembering how to play the game of baseball and winning three straight (albeit against the Marlins), the Braves are five and half out in the NL East, but only three and a half out in the Wild Card race. However, they would have to leap-frog three other teams to make it to the post-season, which is highly unlikely.
What is much more likely, and almost as bad, is Chipper winning the NL batting title. Currently leading the league with a .341 BA, Jones appears to be a lock. With the Rockies' Matt Holliday trailing at .337 and nursing a strained oblique, only another 0-for-14 slump could derail the hateful scenario of Chipper being crowned batting champ. Brave Hater nation must put the collective whammy on Larry Wayne to prevent this calamity from occurring.
To our more religious readers, we ask that you pray, and pray hard, for Chipper to go hitless for the remainder of the '07 season.
Brave Hater is a parody, and thus protected by the same laws that give Braves fans the right to do the tomahawk chop and the Seminole chant ad nauseum. So there.