Excerpts from this week's issue of BRAVE HATER Magazine:
DAMN YOU, SCHUERHOLZ
It's a been a tough week for Brave Haters everywhere, as John Schuerholz pulled off a deal with the Texas Rangers for slugging first baseman Mark "Tex" Texeira, who instantly upgraded the Atlanta offense to one of the National League's best.
The guy hit three home runs the first week, for the love of Mike...
The acquisition of Octavio Dotel from the lowly Kansas City Royals for the underwhelming Kyle Davies in a deal with former Schuerholz underling Dayton Moore, is another matter entirely. Although on the surface a good trade for the Braves, fans familiar with Dotel's career, particularly Mets fans, will look forward to Octavio choking and blowing leads late in games. I, for one, hope to enjoy Dotel's sure-to-be-brief stay in Atlanta.
BRAVES BOUNCE BACK, DAMMIT
Much to to the dismay of Brave Hater Nation, Atlanta's offense exploded for thirty runs against the Astros in Texeira's first three games, although the third game was a gruelling extra-inning 12-11 loss in which Edgar Renteria went down with a sprained ankle, Willie Harris got badly beat up trying to play third base, Andruw strained one of his hittin' muscles, and inevitably, Chipper hurt his hand. The following night, The Rockies lit up John Smoltz and rocked the Braves 9-2.
Unfortunately, Atlanta bounced back to win Saturday and Sunday, so as of Monday, here are the standings in the NL East:
Mets 63-48 - .568 - ---
Braves 59-53 - .527 - 4 ½
Phillies 58-53 - .523 - 5
REASONS WE HATE CHIPPER JONES #388
Thursday's extra-inning loss to the Astros was satisfying on so many levels, and as an added bonus, gave us a brand new reason to hate Chipper Jones. After Edgar Renteria hobbled off the field with an injured ankle, Braves manager Bobby Cox was forced to move Chipper from third base to shortstop, a position Jones had not played since 2000.
Chipper made a big show of it for the home fans, yukking it up with his teammates. It's bad enough that the guy's hitting .330, but he's out there wearing a shit-eating grin that says "Aw shucks, ain't I cute?" and "Hey, lookit me! Lookit me! I'm playing shortstop a'gin! Haw Haw!"
Chipper's nauseating humble act is the 388th reason to hate him.
RON MAHAY: ONCE A SCAB
Braves veterans have turned a cold shoulder to their new teammate, lefthanded reliever Ron Mahay, a former replacement player.
When asked about whether or not Mahay was being shunned by his teammates, Braves ace John Smoltz responded, "Ron who?"
Another prominent Braves player, who shall remain nameless (OK it was Chipper Jones), said, "Once a scab, always a scab. He's a damn scab. He crossed the line. He's dead to me."
Manager Bobby Cox was philosophical about his new bullpen help. "Sure, he's a scab. But there are nights when you're getting clobbered or you go 17 innings, and you need a guy to go out there to take a beating for the ballclub. He helps get you through the dog days, then you cut him loose before the playoffs because he's a scab son of a bitch and you just can't trust a scab."
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Brave Hater Magazine is a parody, and should not be taken as gospel truth.