Monday, August 20, 2007

Brave Hater 8.20.07

Excerpts from this week's issue of Brave Hater Magazine:


Thanks to the hottest summer in human history, the Waycross wildfires, and the worst traffic jams in the South, Atlanta now has the worst air quality in America. Add to that the rising stink emanating from the Braves' bullpen, and ATL is the new capitol of smog. Residents have been urged to stay indoors between the hours of 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. Unfortunately, thanks to the Fox Network, the Braves played back-to-back day games against the Arizona Diamondbacks this past weekend. Saturday's game, won 12-6 by the visiting D-Backs, was the Braves' third loss in a row, and was notable for the hitting display of Arizona pitcher Micah Owings, who went 4 for 5, hit two home runs, including a grand slam, and drove in 6 runs.

The Braves bounced back to win 6-2 on Sunday behind John Smoltz, as the poor air quality began to affect the Diamondbacks's young hitters, and caused losing pitcher Yusmeiro Petit to serve up gopher balls to three different Atlanta hitters. "I don't breathe so good," said the young hurler in broken English. "The air, it taste like rat poison."

The Braves' mediocre homestand dropped them to five and a half games behind the NL East leading Mets, and kept them a half game behind the fightin' Phils.

Mets 70 - 53, .569, -
Phillies 65 - 58, .528, 5 GB
Braves 65 - 59, .524, 5 ½ GB


It seems that the air is not the only thing in Atlanta that's dirty.

According to a 2005 study by the American Society of Microbiology, which sponsored an education campaign about how hand-washing can stop the spread of flu, diarrhea and other infectious diseases, Braves fans are particularly unclean.

Researchers lingered in public restrooms, putting on makeup or combing their hair, while surreptitiously counting the number of people who did not wash their hands after using the toilet. They concluded about one-third of people did not wash. The study was conducted in various public places, including restaurants, bars, and bus stations.

The worst offenders were found at a Braves game.

The greatest lack of personal hygiene was at Atlanta's Turner Field, where 37 percent of men left the bathroom without washing, and 16 percent of the women did.

That's why I'll talk baseball with a Braves fan, but I won't shake his hand.


Chipper beats his wife, and his mistress.

Brave Hater
Magazine is a parody, and is only intended for the amusement of those who think the Atlanta Braves are filthy.


JM Dobies said...

This is not related to the Braves, or hating them, but here it is:

Q: What's the difference between Wrigley Field and a lesbian bar?

A: Wrigley field has a lot of day games...

Todd Lucas said...

...tee hee hee. Hey 37% or whatever it was seems conservative for a men's room at any ballpark.