Bring Me the Head of Anthony Wiggle

First off, let me say that I have two beautiful children who are whip-smart little people who I love with all my being. That said, I can't say that I share their taste in television programming. As a matter of fact, some of the stuff they watch makes me crazy.

So crazy that I have created my own Nixonian "enemies list" of my most despised children's TV personalities.

1. Veggie Tales

Or, as I likes to call 'em, "Religetables." It's not the message I don't like, because lessons about sharing, caring, et al., are not inherently bad. The thing about these computer-animated Christian kiddie faves that I cannot stand are their awful high-pitched character voices and the bloody obnoxious songs they sing.

Torture.

I find myself making up alternate, obscene lyrics to their various ditties ("Sodomy/Lobotomy/Gotta be/Veggie Tales!") and daydreaming about putting Larry the Cucumber and Junior Asparagus into a giant Cuisinart.

Is that evil?

2. The Wiggles

The Wiggles are an entertainment juggernaut, four aging rockers wearing primary colors who sing insidiously catchy tunes about eating fruit salad and driving around in their big red car that are very captivating to the 1 to 4 year old demographic, but which contain absolutely no educational value. And which are maddening to adults. Heading the enemies list from Team Wiggles are Anthony, the Blue Wiggle, and the grating, excruciating Captain Feathersword, whose labored comedy bits are painful to behold, and whose singing voice could cause bleeding of the ears. Anthony I despise for his unmitigated greed, for keeping the money train rolling after their lead singer retired due to health issues.

3. Mickey Mouse

A greedy, megalomaniacal corporate whore. Not funny, either.

4. The Doodlebops

Even though Dee Dee Doodle is hot in a strange girl-next-door kinda way (if the girl next door has a pink hair helmet and huge hands, that is), this Canadian-made kids show is beneath contempt. Demonstrating no redeeming social value, and no educational value, watching The Doodlebops actually makes your kids less intelligent.

Bus driver Bob is filthy.

5. Barney

Evil purple prick who makes the list despite the fact that I try to never let my children be exposed to him and his coterie of creepy kids.

Dog Duty

I have two dogs. I've had Jesse Garon, my terrier-black lab mix, for 12 years, and Stu (a/k/a "Stoodles"), a Maltese, came in a package deal with my wife three and a half years ago.

We live in an apartment complex, and since it's in Austin, we are allowed to have dogs (almost everybody has a dog in Austin). Part of the deal, beyond the damage deposit, is that we are required to pick up after the dogs. They have even provided designated "doggie comfort stations" with plastic bags for disposal of the droppings.

I'm cool with that, having lived in a condo for most of the past seven years. I've picked up thousands of piles of dogshit in that time, so I'm used to it.

Some of my neighbors, however, are clearly not down with the program. These dog owners obviously consider themselves above picking up after their animals. Forensic evidence suggests the worst offenders are the owners of a medium-sized dog and a miniature breed. Their distaste for stool retrieval and disposal has made the area surrounding the doggie comfort station into a virtual minefield. These morons have actually had their animals drop a load within five feet of the receptacle, and neglected to pick it up. If I ever foul my Vans because I have misstepped into their dogs' waste material, I will hunt them down and piss on their shoes.

Idiot Culture

Carl Bernstein recently went on the record to complain about the "triumph of idiot culture," saying that much of today's news has deteriorated into gossip, sensationalism, and manufactured controversy. Good journalism, Bernstein said, "should challenge people, not just mindlessly amuse them."

I usually try to avoid writing about the vacuous pop culture of today, choosing instead to focus on the slightly less vacuous pop culture of the '60s and '70s. But even though I don't spend a lot of my time thinking about the misadventures of Lindsay, Brit-Brit, and others of their ilk, I must say I was amused by Alison Jackson's naughty PhotoShop fun seen above and here.

The WGA Strike

The writers' strike is going to mean a lot of really bad television in the weeks to come. More shite reality shows and other unscripted trash to keep the Lowest Common Denominator anesthetized. No Daily Show or Colbert Report. It's ugly and it's going to get uglier.

Brian K. Vaughn, one of the writer-producers of Lost, explained the whys and wherefores thusly:

"Because writers believe we deserve a fair share of the revenue generated by the stuff we helped to create, crazy as that sounds. But basically, writers are looking to negotiate modest residuals and protections for use of our TV shows and movies on the internet, where most of us will likely be getting the majority of our entertainment from in the not-too-distant future. We're are also asking for a share of about 8 cents -- that's eight stinkin' pennies -- for every DVD of our work sold, as opposed to the criminally insane 4 cents we receive today..."

"I got to hear firsthand how hard the Writers Guild worked to negotiate a fair deal with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, but after more than three months of talks, the AMPTP still hasn't come close to even meeting the WGA halfway on its most important proposals. It sucks."

Yeah it does, but I've got a lot of reading to catch up on, anyway.

Finally, a Candidate I Can Support

Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president on "The Colbert Report," tossing his satirical hat into the ring of an already crowded race.

"I shall seek the office of the President of the United States," announced Colbert on his Comedy Central show Tuesday, as red, white and blue balloons fell around him.

Colbert had recently satirized the coyness of would-be presidential candidates by refusing to disclose whether he would seek the country's highest office -- a refusal that often came without any prompting.

Shortly before making the announcement, Colbert appeared on "The Daily Show" (the show which spawned Colbert's spin-off) and played cagy, claiming he was only ready to consider a White House bid. He entered the studio set pulled by a bicycle pedaled by Uncle Sam and quickly pulled out a bale of hay and a bottle of beer to show that he was "an Average Joe."

Colbert said his final decision would be announced on a "more prestigious show," which turned out to be his own.

"After nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call," said Colbert.

His recent best-seller, "I Am America (And So Can You!)" allowed him to mock the now-standard approach to a White House run, complete with a high-profile book tour.

Colbert said he planned to run in South Carolina, "and South Carolina alone." The state, one of the key early primaries, is also Colbert's native state. Earlier this week, South Carolina public television station ETV invited Colbert to announce his candidacy on its air.

Exactly how far the mock conservative pundit planned to stretch his impression of a presidential candidate wasn't clear. Colbert rarely breaks character on camera, including at his memorable speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last year.

The Comedy Central host has often mobilized his fans ("Colbert Nation"), encouraging them to vote to have a Hungarian bridge named after him, for example, or to vandalize Wikipedia.com with his version of "truthiness" and "wikiality."

The comedian said he would run as both a Democrat and Republican. He earlier explained the strategy: "I can lose twice." He claimed three running mate possibilities: Colbert-Huckabee, Colbert-Putin or Colbert-Colbert.

Minutes after announcing his presidential pursuit, Colbert welcomed CBS political analyst Jeff Greenfield to ask how he had changed the race.

"This is going to be one for the books," said Greenfield.

A spokesman for Colbert said he would be unavailable for further comment Tuesday evening.

In a guest column for Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times, Colbert wrote: "I am not ready to announce yet -- even though it's clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative."

- Jake Coyle, AP Entertainment Writer

Vote Now: Most Annoying TV Ad Campaign

Now's your chance to sound off on which television advertising campaign is the most annoying by voting for your most despised commercials.

I'll get the ball rolling by listing several that have pained me to no end, and continue to do so:

• The Sonic Drive-In A-Holes: Whether it's the infuriating bespectacled bald guy whose head resembles a short, ugly penis, or the jag-off who talks with his mouth full (see above), this series of improvised spots touting various unhealthy fast food treats is poison for the eyes and torment for the ears.



• The Verizon Dweeb: Now reduced to being a silent clown, one can at least be grateful that he no longer spouts the Tourette's-like mantra, "Can you hear me now?" No, we can't, but you still suck.
  


• The Free Credit Report Dickweed: You know the guy: "I'm thinking of a number..." Yeah, so am I, it's on his tombstone, and it ends in '07. If you have derogatory credit, or even if you don't, you've got to want to slap the shit out of this guy. I know I do.
  
  
• Dane Cook for MLB: Aren't this overpaid, obnoxious joke thief's 15 minutes up yet? Having to endure his loathsome douche-baggery during the last three months of the regular season was bad enough, but now TBS continues to run his promos for their post-season coverage during the post-season, when we're already watching. Enough already. And that goes double for his movie career. (See also "Who's Worse: Chipper or Dane Cook?," Brave Hater 9.17.07)

So there you have it, just a few of the commercials that have assaulted my critical faculties. Dishonorable mention for the creepy rotoscope animation in the Charles Schwab ads, made so much worse by the smug yuppies portrayed in them, and for the George Clooney-voiced Budweiser spots where he tries in vain to convince us that Budwesier is the best beer we've ever tasted. Come on, George, you're better than that. And it's not like you drink the stuff.

So cast your vote and vent your spleen for the TV ad campaign you find most annoying in the comments section.

Brave Hater 10.1.07

BRAVES MISS PLAYOFFS AGAIN; STREAK NOW AT TWO AND COUNTING

Although their season wasn't as disappointing as say, the Mets, the Braves' third place finish and mediocre 83-79 record were a bitter pill for the organization to swallow. However, it tastes pretty good to us.

While we at Brave Hater had hoped for a losing record, it was even more satisfying when Atlanta went on a tear in the season's second-to-last week, providing hope for a miraculous finish, only to have their hopes dashed when Chipper made a boo-boo. Jones's throwing error in Wednesday's game against Philadelphia led to a crushing defeat that made a post-season berth highly unlikely, and John Smoltz surrendering four runs to the first four Phillies hitters on Thursday sealed the Braves' fate. Smoltz's first inning troubles paled in comparison to his erstwhile teammate Tom Glavine's in the Mets' 8-1 loss to the Marlins on Sunday, when Tommy gave up seven runs in a third of an inning to make the Metropolitans' horriffic collapse complete.

However, Smoltzie's bald-headed buffoonery was enough to eliminate the Braves from playoff contention, and make the final three-game series in Houston a meaningless exercise in playing out the string. Despite winning the opener behind an uncharacteristically effective Jojo Reyes, the Braves then dropped the final two games of the series, including a 3-0 shutout in Sunday's finale, to go out as losers.

As the home crowd at Minute Maid Park cheered for Craig Biggio, playing his last game, all of us at Brave Hater cheered a different milestone, as Chipper Jones took the collar, going 0-for-3 to drop his average to .337, and virtually guarantee Colorado's Matt Holliday the batting title (Holliday cinched it with his triple off of Trevor Hoffman in tonight's Wild Card tiebreaker, by the way).

The Braves in third place, Chipper losing the batting title: brilliant!

That is why 2007 was our favorite year.


CHIPPER ROOKIE CARD INCREASES IN VALUE

Although Chipper Jones did not win the batting title, his gaudy numbers this season have helped to advance the fallacious argument that he is worthy of the Hall of Fame. More than one sportswriter has gone on record saying that he will vote for Larry Wayne Jr. on the first ballot.

Heresy.

One pernicious side effect of all of this malarkey has been an increase in value of Chipper's rookie card in the Beckett Guide. Luckily, we have several here in the office as part of part of our anti-Chipper voodoo shrine.

We will use all of our resources to bribe as many members of the BBWA to vote no on Jones's Hall candidacy, even it means parting with this rare card:

Brave Hater is a parody, specifically of Chop Talk, the despicable publication packed with pro-Atlanta propoganda of the vilest sort. See you next year, Brave Hater Nation.

Brave Hater Extra: Thank You, Chipper

CHIPPER EROR DOOMS BRAVES IN LOSS

Has ever a sweeter headline been written this season?

"Chipper error dooms Braves in loss."

We like how that trips off the tongue:

Chipper.

Error.

Dooms Braves.

In loss.

Larry Wayne's throwing error led to three unearned runs for the Phillies and wasted another excellent outing by Tim Hudson. The Braves had won eight of their previous nine games.

We hasten to add that Chipper had a second consecutive 1-for-4 night that dropped his batting average to .339. Maybe the NL batting title isn't such a lock after all.

From ESPN.Com:

"Philadelphia moved within one game of NL East-leading New York with a 5-2 victory over the Atlanta Braves on Wednesday night. The loss all but eliminated Atlanta from postseason contention. The Braves remain alive but have to win their last four games and get a lot of help to pass Colorado, Philadelphia and San Diego."

[Insert maniacal laughter here.]

Need we remind you that Brave Hater is a parody?

Brave Hater 9.24.07

BRAVES PLAY SPOILER, FOIL BREW CREW


Well, folks, on the bright side, Brave Hater subscriptions have spiked in Wisconsin. Previously, our readers in the land of cheese have been limited to aging baby-boomers still irked by the Braves' relocation to Atlanta over 40 years ago. Now a whole new generation has found a reason to hate the Braves. Atlanta's come-from-behind wins on Saturday and Sunday dropped the Milwaukee Brewers three and a half games behind the Cubs in the NL Central with only a week to play, laying waste to a season-long Cinderella story, and what had been an inspired stretch drive.

On Saturday, the Brew Crew held a one-run lead with two outs in the bottom of the tenth, when Coco Cordero surrendered a tape-measure job to Brave benchwarmer Scott Thorman that tied the score. Then, in the 11th, Chipper Jones grounded into what would have been his second consecutive rally-killing double play, only to have Milwaukee second sacker Richie Weeks boot the ball. The next batter, the brobdignaggian HGH-lover Mark Teixeira, knocked in the game winner with a rocket to the gap.

On Sunday, former Expo Claudio Vargas coughed up four runs in the seventh to squander a 4-1 Milwaukee lead. Brewers manager Ned Yost paid homage to Bobby Cox by pitching a fit and getting tossed. It was a monumental meltdown of epic proportions, not only by Yost, but also by his team, whose playoff chances are now on par with the filthy and depraved Atlanta nine.



NO CHAMPAGNE FOR YOU, CHIPPER!

Although Atlanta won five of six last week, sweeping a pathetic Marlins team managed by Bobby Cox's former stooge Fredi Gonzales (the guy can't even spell "Freddie," let alone manage a Major League ballclub) and taking two out of three from the Brewers, the standings still spell doom for the Braves. With the Mets suddenly remembering how to play the game of baseball and winning three straight (albeit against the Marlins), the Braves are five and half out in the NL East, but only three and a half out in the Wild Card race. However, they would have to leap-frog three other teams to make it to the post-season, which is highly unlikely.

What is much more likely, and almost as bad, is Chipper winning the NL batting title. Currently leading the league with a .341 BA, Jones appears to be a lock. With the Rockies' Matt Holliday trailing at .337 and nursing a strained oblique, only another 0-for-14 slump could derail the hateful scenario of Chipper being crowned batting champ. Brave Hater nation must put the collective whammy on Larry Wayne to prevent this calamity from occurring.

To our more religious readers, we ask that you pray, and pray hard, for Chipper to go hitless for the remainder of the '07 season.


Brave Hater is a parody, and thus protected by the same laws that give Braves fans the right to do the tomahawk chop and the Seminole chant ad nauseum. So there.

Brave Hater 9.17.07

GOD BLESS THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS

Even though the Braves took two out of three from the hapless Nationals this past weekend, Saturday night's 7-4 loss was a pleasure to behold, as it virtually guaranteed the Braves' elimination from postseason contention. Earlier in the game, TBS play-by-play dork Chip Caray postulated that the Braves would need to go 13-2 in their final 15 games to win the Wild Card. Clearly, with Atlanta's starting rotation, which is basically John Smoltz, Tim Hudson, and three nonentities, that ain't happening. While the historical precedent for a 13-1 stretch drive is there, the historical precedent for the Braves' rotation is "Spahn and Sain and pray for rain."

In any case, Saturday's starter was Lance Cormier, who lasted less than three innings, getting the hook after surrendering a three-run homer to Washington pine-rider Robert Fick, of all people. It was sweet redemption for the once-reviled catcher-first baseman, who earned the scorn of Brave Haters everywhere with his unsportsmanlike conduct during the 2003 Division Series against the Cubs. All is forgiven, Robert.

Speaking of redemption, Nationals closer Chad Cordero was called upon to pitch the ninth, after having blown a two-run lead the night before by serving up a fatty to the villainous Chipper Jones, who stroked an RBI double to send the game into extras. It looked like history repeating itself as Cordero loaded the bases for Chipper, but this time Jones grounded into his team-leading 19th double play to end the game.

Sweet.

And so, we at Brave Hater salute the Washington Nationals for helping to ensure the Braves will be on the outside looking in come October. We also look forward to their offseason spending spree, as they seek to upgrade their woeful roster by throwing money at various top free agents in anticipation of opening their new ballpark in 2008. A much-improved Nationals club could mean a fourth-place finish for the Braves next season.

Now that would be super-sweet.

ANDRUW JONES: A WALK (YEAR) TO FORGET

Fox Sports' Kevin Hench writes, "This was not how Andruw Jones wanted to spend the last year of his 6-year, $75M contract, essentially losing money with every at-bat. Had the 30-year-old Jones, possibly the greatest defensive center fielder of all time, replicated his numbers of last year (.262, 41, 129) or his breakout 2005 (.263, 51, 128), Scott Boras could have secured him $100M easy. But after flailing his way through the worst year of his career — .220/.315/.414 — it's hard to imagine a team giving him a raise and a long-term deal. Had Jones not scuffled so mightily this season, the Braves likely would have made it back to the playoffs."

Well, a grateful Brave Hater Nation applauds Andruw for his lousy numbers, and many whiffs in the clutch, although another abbreviated Braves playoff run would have provided much amusement come October.

Sure, Atlanta won't be around for the postseason, but there is still the possibility of a losing season. A record of, say, 79 wins and 83 losses would satisfy our schadenfreude nicely.

WHO'S WORSE: CHIPPER JONES OR DANE COOK?

It's bad enough having to look at Chipper's ugly face for an entire game, but it's insult to injury having to endure MLB's playoff promos featuring the despicable Dane Cook between innings. This joke-stealing no-talent has somehow managed to have a lucrative film career, getting to star opposite the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba (you, sir, are not worthy). However, we all have the option of not buying a ticket to Good Luck Chuck or Employee of the Month at the local multiplex. But every time we watch a big-league ballgame over the past several months, we get Cook's overpaid, overexposed mug in our faces, doing his hyper schtick and telling us how awesome the Milwaukee Brewers are. It's thoroughly loathsome, as is Dane's act. Even the good bits he stole from Louis CK.

Still, Chipper is worse.

Brave Hater is a parody, so if you don't like it, go buy yourself a Braves logo Tiffany lamp at the Chop Shop and stick it where the sun don't shine.

Brave Hater 9.7.07

METS CRUSH BRAVES PLAYOFF HOPES WITH WEEKEND SWEEP

Former Brave Tom Glavine outduelled his old teammate John Smoltz on Sunday to give the New York Mets a 3-2 victory and complete a three-game sweep of the hapless Braves. With only three weeks remaining in the 2007 regular season, Atlanta trails the Mets by an insurmountable 7 and a half games in the NL East, falling to 7th place in the Wild Card race, 5 and a half games behind San Diego.

Even their incredible, come-from-behind win against the Phillies on Wednesday did little to change their dire postseason prognosis, instead highlighting the spoiler role they will be forced to play for the rest of the year. Still, the Braves still have a slim chance, mathematically speaking; Brave Hater Nation must remain vigilant, and continue to put the whammy on this accursed franchise, and especially Chipper, who snapped out of an 0 for 14 funk on Sunday and is now back to his usual shenanigans.

BRAVES MAKE OFFSEASON PLANS

As the reality of another postseason on the sidelines begins to sink in, various Braves personnel are already making plans for other ways to spend October:

Mark Teixeira: Free agent, object of bidding war, signing fat contract with Yankees.

Edgar Renteria: Trade bait.

John Smoltz: Endorsement deal with Hair Club for Men.

Yuniel Escobar: Cock-fighting.

JoJo Reyes: Apartment-hunting in Richmond.

Chipper Jones: Quail-hunting, wife-beating.

Bobby Cox: Drinking heavily, wife-beating, pondering retirement.

Brave Hater is a parody, so Braves fans can address their complaints to 1-800-PISS-OFF.

Brave Hater 8.27.07

Excerpts from this week's issue of Brave Hater Magazine:

BRAVES PLUMMET IN STANDINGS

The staff here at Brave Hater spent the weekend in an unfamiliar position: rooting for the St. Louis Cardinals. After dropping the opener of a three game series against Atlanta, the Cards recovered to take two out of three from the reeling Braves.

The losses dropped Atlanta to seven games behind the division leading Mets and four games out in the Wild Card standings. The likelihood of Atlanta making the post-season to delight us with yet another October choke job is decreasing by the hour. At least we can look forward to the the last day of the regular season and the inevitable post-game interview with a disappointed Chipper as he cleans out his locker.

The standings:

Mets: 73 - 56, .566, -
Phillies: 67 - 62, .519, 6 GB
Braves: 67 - 64, .511., 7 GB

RENTERIA RETURNS FROM DL, INJURES HIMSELF IMMEDIATELY

Braves shortstop Edgar Renteria was activated off the 15-Day disabled list last Wednesday, only to reinjure his ankle on the first pitch he saw in the first inning of the Braves 4-2 loss at Cincinnati. Renteria took a ball from Reds starter Bronson Arroyo, slightly lifting and striding with his left foot before briefly stumbling backward. Unable to continue, he was replaced by Yuniel Escobar, who grounded out. Renteria was returned to the DL on Thursday.

As the man once said, "It's funny because it's true."

BRAVES RELEASE WICKMAN

The Braves severed ties with erstwhile closer Bob Wickman on Friday, the day after the portly shit-baller surrendered a game-winning two-run home run to Cincinnati's Adam Dunn. Wickman is 3-3 with a 3.92 ERA with 20 saves and six blown saves, which is apparently one too many for manager Bobby Cox.

"We just want to go a different way," Cox told reporters over a tall Jack Daniel's on the rocks at the hotel bar. "I'm sick of that out-of-shape S.O.B. trying to finesse it with that slop of his...Every time I call the bullpen to get him up, he's eating a hot dog. Or he's sleeping. I need that fucking guy out there throwing gophers in the ninth like I need a hole in the head."

Cox's tirade lasted several minutes, during which he used the term "horseshit" 129 times.

Having cleared room on the roster by designating B-Wick for assignment, the Braves recalled pitchers Jose Ascanio and former number one draft pick Joey Devine, who served up batting practice to National League hitters and gave up many a moon shot during his brief but memorable Major League debut late in the 2005 season and also in his other, much more forgettable trials with the big club.

A-ROD VS. A-HOLE

Loyal readers of Brave Hater have been asking why we haven't weighed in on the controversy surrounding Chipper Jones's comments regarding Alex Rodriguez's alleged use of steroids. Well, around here, although we sure as shootin' don't like Chipper, we don't much care for A-Rod, either.

So we didn't comment at the time, instead choosing to focus on other despicable personality traits of Mr. Jones. Like for instance, this prick doesn't stop hitting. We keep waiting for his inevitable decline, and the bastard keeps hitting doubles like there's no tomorrow. But we digress.

For those fans looking for closure, we will now address the issue of Chipper v. A-Rod.

When Jones was asked about recent statements from Jose Canseco insinuating that Rodriguez was a user of performance-enhancing chemicals, a "hypocrite" and "not all he appeared to be," Chipper fanned the flames by saying, "I think it will follow him. There's going to be the questions because his name's been brought up. He's going to have to answer the questions...It's just so farfetched, the numbers that [he's] putting up." ("Chipper Shocker," NY Post, 8/9/07)

He has since tried to backpedal, saying that he doesn't believe A-Rod uses 'roids, and besides, they're good friends. Yeah, right. That's the part that bugs the staff here at Brave Hater. We had no problem with Chipper's honest skepticism regarding Rodriguez's gaudy numbers. In fact, as much as it pains us to say it, we respect him for speaking his mind, such as it is.

However, when he plays the "Aw, shucks, I played against him in high school" card, then hems and haws about the Yankee third baseman's obvious steroid abuse with mealy-mouthed hogwash about how he doesn't see "Alex being called in front of grand juries and stuff," and that he hopes "nothing comes of it," that's when we discovered yet another reason to severely dislike Chipper Jones.

His unguarded bluster about the premiere player at his position was almost admirable, but his attempt at damage control was pure hypocrisy.

The only question remaining is who's more of a hypocrite, A-Roid or Chipper? Our longtime readers already know our answer: Larry Wayne Jones. A-Hole.

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Brave Hater is a parody, and if you don't like it, you can go straight to chipperjones.com.

Brave Hater 8.20.07

Excerpts from this week's issue of Brave Hater Magazine:

BRAVES USE SMOG TO THEIR ADVANTAGE

Thanks to the hottest summer in human history, the Waycross wildfires, and the worst traffic jams in the South, Atlanta now has the worst air quality in America. Add to that the rising stink emanating from the Braves' bullpen, and ATL is the new capitol of smog. Residents have been urged to stay indoors between the hours of 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. Unfortunately, thanks to the Fox Network, the Braves played back-to-back day games against the Arizona Diamondbacks this past weekend. Saturday's game, won 12-6 by the visiting D-Backs, was the Braves' third loss in a row, and was notable for the hitting display of Arizona pitcher Micah Owings, who went 4 for 5, hit two home runs, including a grand slam, and drove in 6 runs.

The Braves bounced back to win 6-2 on Sunday behind John Smoltz, as the poor air quality began to affect the Diamondbacks's young hitters, and caused losing pitcher Yusmeiro Petit to serve up gopher balls to three different Atlanta hitters. "I don't breathe so good," said the young hurler in broken English. "The air, it taste like rat poison."

The Braves' mediocre homestand dropped them to five and a half games behind the NL East leading Mets, and kept them a half game behind the fightin' Phils.

Mets 70 - 53, .569, -
Phillies 65 - 58, .528, 5 GB
Braves 65 - 59, .524, 5 ½ GB

BRAVES FANS ALSO FILTHY

It seems that the air is not the only thing in Atlanta that's dirty.

According to a 2005 study by the American Society of Microbiology, which sponsored an education campaign about how hand-washing can stop the spread of flu, diarrhea and other infectious diseases, Braves fans are particularly unclean.

Researchers lingered in public restrooms, putting on makeup or combing their hair, while surreptitiously counting the number of people who did not wash their hands after using the toilet. They concluded about one-third of people did not wash. The study was conducted in various public places, including restaurants, bars, and bus stations.

The worst offenders were found at a Braves game.

The greatest lack of personal hygiene was at Atlanta's Turner Field, where 37 percent of men left the bathroom without washing, and 16 percent of the women did.

That's why I'll talk baseball with a Braves fan, but I won't shake his hand.

FUN FACT ABOUT CHIPPER JONES

Chipper beats his wife, and his mistress.

Brave Hater Magazine is a parody, and is only intended for the amusement of those who think the Atlanta Braves are filthy.

Brave Hater 8.13.07

Excepts from this week's issue of Brave Hater Magazine:

THE MYTH OF 14

or CHIEF NOCKAHOMA'S HISTORY LESSON

If there's one thing that galls me, it's when sportscasters make reference to the Braves' "14 consecutive division titles" between 1991 and 2005. While it is true that the Braves did win their division 14 times in that span, to call those division titles "consecutive" is just plain wrong. And ignorant.

It's revisionist history of the filthiest kind, which conveniently forgets the 1994 season, when the Montreal Expos, not the Braves, were in first place when the season ended.

Of course, the season ended not in October, but in August, thanks to an ill-conceived strike and a misguided endgame strategy by the Lords of Baseball that resulted in the cancellation of the World Series. That season, the Expos, under manager Felipe Alou, were a juggernaut, with an outfield of Larry Walker, Moises Alou, Marquis Grissom, and a pitching staff led by Ken Hill and a young Pedro Martinez. in July, they overtook the Braves in a thrilling weekend series at Le Stade Olympique in front of over 125,000 fans, and never looked back.

This was when pennant races were relatively undiluted, with two divisions per league and no wild card, so the Braves would have been outside looking in come the postseason. In 1995, after the strike was settled in the wake of the whole '"replacement player" fiasco (see last week's Ron Mahay item), the new deal forced the Expos to dump most of their stars. The Braves were among the rich getting richer, snagging Marquis Grissom, while the other Haves picked the bones of the Expos' roster, and effectively killed baseball in Montreal (although its walking corpse paraded itself in front of a handful of die-hards for another decade).

So the next time some chump on ESPN talks about the Braves' so-called dynasty (one World Championship does not a dynasty make), and their "14 consecutive" divison titles, please join me in yelling at the TV, "It was only 11, fool."

FIGHTIN' PHILS FOIL LOS BRAVOS

The Braves went down looking last night on national television as the Philadelphia Phillies defeated Atlanta 5-3 behind soft-tossing 40-something Jamie Moyer. The key play was a botched double play wherein Braves' shortstop Yunel "Pablo" Escobar failed to step on the second base bag and threw late to first (well, actually in time, but it's nice to see the umps blow one in favor of the opposition once in a while). Ryan Howard followed with a towering three-run homer to the opposite field, chasing starter Buddy Carlyle.

The loss dropped Atlanta back into third place, where it is hoped they will remain until they are passed by the Marlins. It is probably too much to hope for them to be passed by the lowly Nationals.

The standings:

Mets: 65- 52, .556, -
Phillies: 62-55, .530, 3 GB
Braves: 62 -56, .525, 3 ½

CHIP CARAY: TALENT SKIPS A GENERATION...AGAIN

I'll try to keep this brief, but I just had to vent spleen over the worst announcer in professional sports, Chip Caray. They say talent skips a generation, but in this case it has skipped two generations. Caray's grandfather Harry was a broadcasting legend, first in St. Louis, then in Chicago, where he became an institution for leading the fans in "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th-inning stretch at Wrigley Field, and for his drunken garbling of names like "Grudzielanek."

Perhaps knowing the nature of talent and its propensity for evaporating from one generation to the next, Harry named his son "Skip." Skip Caray, now relegated to radio, is, of course, the longtime voice of the Braves, a curmudgeonly homer who has never attempted even the pretense of impartiality. He named his son "Chip," as in "a chip off the old block," perhaps knowing that Chip would also suck mightily as a play-by-play man.

Nepotism being rife in Major League Baseball, the youngest Caray landed a choice gig as the voice of the Cubs in the wake of his grandfather Harry's death. He quickly became an irritant to Chicago fans by using such trademark calls as "Gloves, grabs, guns. Got 'em." Even his dad would've been satisfied with "Routine grounder to short, easy out."

But Chip's act soon wore out its welcome in the Windy City, and he made the jump to TBS as the Braves play-by-play announcer several years back. If anything, he is even lousier now than he was in his days as an undeserving, wet-behind-the-ears punk handed one of the best gigs in all of sports broadcasting at WGN. He has assimilated his father's rampant homer-ism, and added his own unctuous, obnoxious idiocies to the mix. The result: a perfect storm of stupidity, a textbook example of how far the art of calling a ballgame has fallen. Red Barber is rolling in his grave.

Finally, I cannot complete this rant without mentioning Chip's freakish eyebrows. So there, I mentioned 'em. Now I can go back to practicing my quick-draw on the mute button.

Brave Hater is a parody, so don't get yer panties in a bunch, Braves fans.

Brave Hater 8.06.07

Excerpts from this week's issue of BRAVE HATER Magazine:

DAMN YOU, SCHUERHOLZ

It's a been a tough week for Brave Haters everywhere, as John Schuerholz pulled off a deal with the Texas Rangers for slugging first baseman Mark "Tex" Texeira, who instantly upgraded the Atlanta offense to one of the National League's best.

The guy hit three home runs the first week, for the love of Mike...

The acquisition of Octavio Dotel from the lowly Kansas City Royals for the underwhelming Kyle Davies in a deal with former Schuerholz underling Dayton Moore, is another matter entirely. Although on the surface a good trade for the Braves, fans familiar with Dotel's career, particularly Mets fans, will look forward to Octavio choking and blowing leads late in games. I, for one, hope to enjoy Dotel's sure-to-be-brief stay in Atlanta.

BRAVES BOUNCE BACK, DAMMIT

Much to to the dismay of Brave Hater Nation, Atlanta's offense exploded for thirty runs against the Astros in Texeira's first three games, although the third game was a gruelling extra-inning 12-11 loss in which Edgar Renteria went down with a sprained ankle, Willie Harris got badly beat up trying to play third base, Andruw strained one of his hittin' muscles, and inevitably, Chipper hurt his hand. The following night, The Rockies lit up John Smoltz and rocked the Braves 9-2.

Unfortunately, Atlanta bounced back to win Saturday and Sunday, so as of Monday, here are the standings in the NL East:

Mets 63-48 - .568 - ---

Braves 59-53 - .527 - 4 ½

Phillies 58-53 - .523 - 5

REASONS WE HATE CHIPPER JONES #388

Thursday's extra-inning loss to the Astros was satisfying on so many levels, and as an added bonus, gave us a brand new reason to hate Chipper Jones. After Edgar Renteria hobbled off the field with an injured ankle, Braves manager Bobby Cox was forced to move Chipper from third base to shortstop, a position Jones had not played since 2000.

Chipper made a big show of it for the home fans, yukking it up with his teammates. It's bad enough that the guy's hitting .330, but he's out there wearing a shit-eating grin that says "Aw shucks, ain't I cute?" and "Hey, lookit me! Lookit me! I'm playing shortstop a'gin! Haw Haw!"

Chipper's nauseating humble act is the 388th reason to hate him.

RON MAHAY: ONCE A SCAB

Braves veterans have turned a cold shoulder to their new teammate, lefthanded reliever Ron Mahay, a former replacement player.

When asked about whether or not Mahay was being shunned by his teammates, Braves ace John Smoltz responded, "Ron who?"

Another prominent Braves player, who shall remain nameless (OK it was Chipper Jones), said, "Once a scab, always a scab. He's a damn scab. He crossed the line. He's dead to me."

Manager Bobby Cox was philosophical about his new bullpen help. "Sure, he's a scab. But there are nights when you're getting clobbered or you go 17 innings, and you need a guy to go out there to take a beating for the ballclub. He helps get you through the dog days, then you cut him loose before the playoffs because he's a scab son of a bitch and you just can't trust a scab."

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Brave Hater Magazine is a parody, and should not be taken as gospel truth.